


Lines

by MackaroonieAndCheese



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: At the same time not really, M/M, Triggers, im sorry, this is gonna be sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 14:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10280723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MackaroonieAndCheese/pseuds/MackaroonieAndCheese
Summary: Ryan's having issues.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning
> 
> This is obviously gonna be sad lmao
> 
> Enjoy!

Ryan jolts up awake, somehow drenched in sweat with the aircon on full blast. He takes a moment to breathe in and out.

“What time did I wake up this time?” Ryan sarcastically mutters to himself as he focused his eyes on the digital clock on his bedside table.

‘2:16 A.M.’ the digital clocks’ red letters blare out at Ryan. He sighs heavily and turns on the small lamp beside the clock and gets up.

He walks up to the bathroom and stares at himself at the mirror. “I’m so fucking pathetic.” he says staring at his reflection. His eyes has bags underneath. His arms feels heavier than usual.

_What is depression anymore?_

The pit. The deep dark pit of loneliness, despair, sadness, all things negative.

And at the same time… it’s a pit of nothing. No emotion. No feelings. No positivity.

_Why did I end up like this?_

Ryan washes his face with the running water of the faucet, then grabs a towel nearby to wipe all the water off. He walks back to his bed and just sits down.

He turns his arms over so that his palms would face him. “It faded.” he mutters to no one in particular. He turns off the lamp and turns on the light to his room.

Ryan looks around for a certain item in his room. “Where did I leave it?” he says quietly. He checks his drawer on his bedside table.

There it is, an object that can both harm and not harm him. Which helps him calm down the voices, at the same time. Not really.

It’s a simple item. A souvenir of sorts. It’s in the shape of a t-shirt. The design was nice, it was a galaxy color theme. Not much text details on it though. My house key, hanging on the key ring.

“I just want them to stop yelling at me… but if I do this. It’s not like they’ll go away. They’ll keep coming back. Wanting more. More and more. I don’t want to do this… but I just want to silence them… for at least a day.” Ryan whispers to himself. Silent sobs escaping him. “He doesn’t even love me… yet I keep trying. I already know I can’t have him. Why do I keep going? What’s wrong with me? **Is** something wrong with me?”

He holds the keychain in a way that the tip of the shirt is pointed to his wrist.

**One.**

**Two.**

**Three.**

**Four.**

**Five.**

**Six.**

**Seven.**

**Eight.**

**Nine.**

**Ten.**

**Eleven.**

_Is this enough yet?_

_Maybe it is._

Ryan stares at what he’s done. The **lines** he’s made.

_Why do people think these scars are beautiful? It doesn’t make any sense._

Some of the lines look like scratches. But… the last few **lines** … look worse. The last few are getting deeper.

The last of the **lines** … drawing a bit of blood somehow.

**What am I doing to myself?**

Ryan continues to sob quietly. He curls into a ball whilst laying in his bed. Not minding anymore what he’s done to himself.

~~~

Ryan wakes up, quickly sitting up causing himself to have a minor headache for a brief moment.

His eyes feels heavy. He feels tired, but he gets out of bed either way and heads to the bathroom for a quick shower.

He changes into any shirt he could find then throws on a gray sweater. And his usual pair of jeans. He takes a look at himself at the mirror.

“I hope Bryce won’t see what I’ve done to myself.” Ryan quietly says to himself and sighs.

~~~

Laughters can be heard so clearly as the group of friends- consisting of Ryan, Bryce, Luke, Jonathan, Brock, Brian, Craig, Tyler, Smitty, Scotty, and Anthony- are cracking out jokes of numerous things.

But in the back of Bryce’s mind, he wonders if Ryan is alright. Sure Ryan was being his usual happy self. Laughing. Bring up some of his nasty jokes. But Bryce couldn’t help but notice that Ryan has been in and out. As if something’s bothering him. He just doesn’t know what.

Ryan catches Bryce staring at him. Bryce quickly turns his head away, turning his attention back to the group that’s booming with positivity.

‘Why was he staring at me?’ Ryan questions himself. He also turns his attention to the group.

Continuing to share laughters. Continuing to share numerous jokes. Continuing to play games that they always had an interest in.

Night falls, the group share their goodbyes and head on to their own homes. Excited for another day of just being with each other. Especially while the summer days are still alive.

“Ryan! Could you hold up for a moment?” Bryce calls out.

Ryan stiffens at Bryce’s sudden statement. He was about to walk away. Maybe Ryan didn’t look convincing enough.

**Not enough.**

**Not enough.**

**Not enough.**

**Never enough.**

**Never.**

**Enough.**

“Ryan? You okay there? You’re zoning out on me again.” Bryce says in a worried tone.

Ryan lets out a half-hearted chuckle. “I guess I was too obvious huh?” he quietly says.

“What was that?” Bryce asks.

“Nothing. Nothing. Anyways, why don’t we go take a seat somewhere?” Ryan offers, a slight smile on his face.

He doesn’t want Bryce to know. Slowly, his anxiety is clawing at him. But Ryan keeps his cool. Not wanting to worry one of his best friends.

**_He doesn’t like you. Why can’t you wrap that around your head?_ **

_Shut the fuck up._

They take a seat at the park bench. Ryan looks up at the sky. To see a clear sight. No clouds in the way. Just the shining stars and the bright moon. Then looks at Bryce. Who gives off an aura that can be as bright as the moon or even the sun.

“Ryan…” Bryce begins to speak, but can’t seem to continue. He has a feeling at Ryan would just tell him to get out of his life, or to stay away from businesses that does not concern him.

“Something been bothering you?” Ryan asks.

“Yeah actually…” Bryce is hesitant. And Ryan notices this about him.

“You okay? Whatever it is that’s bothering you. You don’t have to bring it up right now. There’s still a tomorrow after all.” Ryan says smiling.

_It’s still painful. Why?_

“No. I want to bring it up now. To get it off my chest. It’s been bothering me the entire day.” Bryce says sadly.

Ryan’s **anxieties** are clawing at him. More painfully now. To the extent that he feels as if he’s going to have a panic attack. Here. In front of Bryce.

“Go on, Bryce. I’m here for you.” Ryan says.

“It’s about you. You’re what’s been bothering me.” Bryce spits out.

Ryan feels as if a train has hit him; and he was still alive to feel his bones breaking, cracking, crumbling before him. And he wants to die because of it. What did he do to make Bryce feel like this?

“Ryan! D-don’t take this the wrong way!” Bryce quickly says. “I mean, you’ve been bothering me in a way that I’m concerned and worried about you. You didn’t seem… like you today. Like something was off about you. You kept zoning in and out. You were here with us. But your mind was way off somewhere else. What’s wrong?”

Ryan tugs at his own sleeves. Pondering if he should show Bryce what he’s done to himself. If he should show the **lines** he’s made.

“Ryan. Is there something wrong?” Bryce asks, the silence of Ryan just worrying him more.

“Nothing.” Ryan lies. Sadly, it’s obvious. And Bryce doesn’t take this lightly.

“Ryan Omega. There’s something bothering you. And whatever it is. It’s also bothering me. Don’t lie to me, please. I want to help you. I don’t want to see you in pain.” Bryce says holding back tears of his own. He doesn’t like seeing his friend tumbling, falling, collapsing into a pit of negativity, pain, **depression**.

“Bryce,” Ryan begins. “you don’t want to know what’s wrong with me. You’ll be disappointed in me. Hell, you might even hate me for doing something like this to myself.”

“Oh Ryan. I can’t hate you. You’re my best friend.” Bryce sadly says. “So please tell me what’s wrong.”

Ryan sighs heavily and takes a deep breath. Prepared for the yelling he’s gonna get from Bryce. He slowly pulls up his left sleeve.

Showing Bryce… all those… **lines**.

“R-Ryan? What did you do to yourself?” Bryce asks, holding back all the goddamn tears he wants to let out.

“I don’t know. But I hurt myself. They can’t even be considered cuts at this point. Scratches? I guess that’s what I would call it.” Ryan says, smiling sadly.

Only silence follows after what Ryan said. But moments later. Bryce breaks into tears.

“Ryan. I-I’m so sorry.” Bryce says through tears.

Ryan stares at him, confused. “Why? You didn’t do anything to me, Brycey.”

“I did. And what I did was indeed nothing. But I mean it in a way that I didn’t try to help you. All I did was assume you were fine. You were happy. But seeing those… scratches. Those… **lines**. It’s tell me that you’re not. Not by a long shot.” Bryce explains.

All the feelings Ryan has currently. He just wants to yell it right at Bryce. Right here. Right now.

“Bryce. I like you. Not as a friend. But like like you. As in I love you.” Ryan blurts out. Suddenly, he regrets it. Bryce looks up to stare at him. As if unsure what to do. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Sorry. I-I’ll just go.” with that, Ryan runs off, tears starting to fall. He quickly gets back to his home.

~~~

“Fucking hell. I’m… I’m so stupid.” Ryan yells on his pillow as he cries into it. He sits up, clutching his knees to his chest. He sniffs. “Why did I believe that he’d like me back?”

_**Told. You. So.** _

“Shut up! You don’t fucking own me. You’re all in my head. All in my head.” quietly, he repeats those words.

Hoping.

**Hoping.**

That they’ll go away.

Maybe temporarily.

But permanently would be better. For his own sake. For the people he loves.

And his own. **Fucking. Sanity.**

But he knows. So fucking well. That they won’t go away. That the voices won’t go away. They never do.

**Knock knock knock.**

“Ryan? You in there?”

Ryan, looks up at his room door, confused. He couldn’t hear through the door quite clearly. Though, he didn’t bother who it was.

“Ryan.. it… it’s me… Bryce. Are you there?” Bryce’s calming voice calls through the other side. Ryan mentally slaps himself, now recalling that Bryce has a copy of his key.

“What the hell do you want?” Ryan coldly yells, trying to calm himself down.

Trying to internally tame the voices in his head.

_Calm._

_Calm._

_Calm…?_

“Ryan… I’m sorry. I really am. I just… I just didn’t know how to react.” Bryce says. “But I’m so sorry. I really want to help you though. Please open the door for me.”

“Why don’t you apologize by getting the fuck out of my house!” Ryan angrily yells.

“I’m so sorry… but I just want to tell you one more thing before I leave.”

“What the fuck is it now? Are you going to reject me? I mean it’s not like you already did by not saying a damn thing to me.”

“No. I want to say… that I love you too.”

Then silence follows, then the slam of a door, then more silence.

Ryan knows, all too well, that Bryce didn’t leave yet. Bryce just wants to make him think he did. Which, obviously, Ryan didn’t fall for.

“I know you’re still there, Brycey. You can’t fool me that easily. I told you to get out dammit.”

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to leave you here knowing that you are in pain and in need of help from someone.”

“Bryce, please, get the hell out of my house. And come back tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Or maybe next year.”

“Fine. Just know that I care for you and I love you, in that way.”

_**Idiot.** _

_**Idiot.** _

_**Idiot.** _

_**Bitch.** _

_**A little shit.** _

_**Ignorant.** _

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ryan yells, wanting the voices in his head to shut the fuck up. Ryan breaks into tears. “Why am I so fucking stupid?” he quietly says to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Who ever said I was giving this a happy ending? :)


End file.
